Twisted

And in my eyes the tears remain.
Those who do not know, see that which floats on its surface. 
Those who do not know place judgement, carrying unholylike ways.

It is a tyrant, a thief in the night.  He who keeps me awake, she who judges this heart of mine.  Both who have not seen the dreary dam which houses pain and regret…where the depths are endless. 

This heart of mine…

Lessons learned…

Memories, they burn…

One who speaks so much of the truth, and holds this in regards to life, but who does not remember.

I may be worldly at times, but it is for God’s ways I am kept on check.  To stray at times to help me find my way back.

The lessons of patience, endurance, and love do not come without a price. 

My heart grows weary.  Trusting that one day the tears will stop, and that I may flee from judgement and torment.  It is not I taking advantage. 
It is I who weep.

Psalm 30:5
“For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”

Praying for peace. The pitter-patter sounds, the sounds of my heart are off beat.

Needle and Thread

It will probably be another sleepless night for me, and usually when this happens I tend to explore my thoughts, my emotions, and my ranting mind.  Talking with a friend the other day, I made a decision to keep a blog in circulation all throughout this lifetime.  My children, their children, will know the deepest emotions experienced within this mind of mine.  I fear not of this world.

Happy times ARE the easiest to speak about.  It takes immense courage to speak about the dark moments in life, and so I will write, and write, and write to build strength and wisdom.  Grace and Mercy are forever in reach- Let there be light.

 In thoughts from the visions of the night, when deep sleep falleth on men…  -Job 4:13, Bible

Everlasting are the memories we experience for this life we create.  Our existence depending on procreation, legacy, and history.  The heart of the matter…illusion vs. reality.

I read today that focusing on the positives and relating to the good can really get you through heartache in life.  I can agree with this statement.  And if I really think hard about that theory, you can move forward on a constant positive note!  Yet, why is it that I feel programmed, rather inspired by my hurt?  Just as it was created that in all evil reveals good, and in all good reveals evil, every attraction must attract the opposite.  Balance.

I understand more than the ancients, because I keep thy precepts.  -Psalms 119:100, Bible

As I type, my fingers slowly graze the keyboard, the cold air is seeping in and I fight to write.  In my solitude, in this moment I am reflecting.  A flashback of feelings, a herd of emotions…”In this very moment I am Queen.”  My bones ache as I revitalize.

In the depths of our souls, we scream to be understood.  Our hearts break, and in this time we find ourselves bound to understanding.  True hardships regarding matters of the heart are not limited, our hearts carry the capacity to heal.  To learn and grow forms wisdom, we must at times cast feelings of hurt.  In reflection, do not heed your heart to dwell.  That baby…is dangerous.

Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful…  -Proverbs 14:13, Bible

And so I yield way to a life of truth.  I welcome honesty once again.  With needle and thread, I sew patches to mend the countless holes on my heart.  I wash away the hurt with my salty tears, and water the very seeds of hope, faith, and love. I embrace sorrow as much as I do joy.  For this makes me real.  My children, their children, and children of theirs…do not lose yourself to society’s ways.  Humility is earned, wisdom is marvelous thus…be hungry and find your strength from within to face what you do not want to face.

Hurt- Leona Lewis

Shifting

2011, closing out and nearing 2012.

Learning to let go, learning to forgive, learning to move forward…S H I F T I N G.

Rewinding and relating…it’s a wreck at times.  At times I wish I could fast forward, because at times it is difficult to face.  Yet through it all, I have stood strong.  Strength not from the surface, but deep…deep down inside.  If only you knew.

A solider has been built within.  Bruised, Beaten, and a survivor.  She craves for Peace, for the war to diminish.

Things do not always work out for the better this I have learned.  This is the only way I’ve been able to truly learn how to adapt.  To think this way is difficult if you do not understand.  Walking a path of philosophical endeavors.

Drifting, Shifting, time is wasting and I am in no where ready to lose myself to changed focus.   I am not resistant to pain, so from the past I will learn.  Shifting forward…never again backwards.

Prayer::  My God- You know my heart.  You control the fire that burns within, and have faith in me.  I believe because of you. Love, the real kind of love, you give in an insatiable way.  I have struggled and at times still may do.  I have learned to trust you, to love you the right way, and I know of no other way to love than yours alone.  No one has given me permission to arrange me…no one except you.  I pray you keep me humble, strong and on a path of purity.  As I have grown to learn more and more about myself as the days come and go, I continue to gain passion, humility, and understanding.  This all because of you.  Do what is right and cause shift in my life.  I pray this prayer in my heart.  I pray you show love, and build faith in others around me.  I see the change and formation in my life…I know they will too, certainly.  -AMEN

I look high to the skies and am reminded of unadulterated beauty.

“Few men during their lifetime come anywhere near exhausting the resources dwelling within them. There are deep wells of strength that are never used.” Richard E. Byrd

Fin.

Loves lost, come and gone.  From then until now it is ever-So-apparent that validity in loves true form comes from the big man upstairs. 

Decisions made together as one, understanding and leaning not on yourself, confiding in the one that matters, and never breaking away to break away.  Love is the bearing of ones true loyalty.  “Loyalty” evidently is different from one person to the next. 

Defining relationships, life, never giving up, courage, boundaries, forgiveness.

In this past year, I have experienced pain, watched people walk away, and have truly discovered what to me is…Love.

Really as it is said “love is not puffed up”.  It is simple and simply defined, yet we take it apart, tear it into a million pieces, then drag it through mud, high waters and mountainous terrains.  Until we finally get it to an unrecognizable point. And then, confusion finds its way into our minds.  Traveling with fierce velocity down to the bottomless depths of our hearts.  Once at that point, where do we go from there?

After all eventful and uneventful attempts at Love, I finally am at peace.  It’s definition so cut throat clearly defined.

It is said that once you hit bottom, there’s nowhere left to go, instead its upward bound you go. 

The spectrum of love in its purest form, means that hope is endless.

I am ready to take on a lifetime of battles.  Knowing that I asked for righteousness, happiness, etc., means that I clearly didn’t know what I was getting myself into.  Here and now the vision is clear.  I am not clouded, and find strength in chaos. 

See not of what it is you think.  Instead, search to find the heart of the matter.  This too does apply to humans.  We are built to be loved, built to love, and built to be strong.

Set free.  This Woman here is in sync with her desires, her aspirations, and ready to conquer.  It feels amazing to know your likes, dislikes, wants, needs. 

FIN.ale

Let There Be Light

A troubled mind can lead you to sleepless nights.  The damp air breathes a chill down your spine.  As the world sleeps, I stay awake and bask in the darkening flicker of fluorescent lighting.  The dull light piercing my eyes and reminding of pain.

If I squint hard enough, the shadows of yesterday I see lingering in the corner.  But knowing that I dare stare with my eyes wide and free, I see tomorrow and what it brings for me.

In every wrong, there is a right.  And in everything good, there is everything bad.  The struggle I must learn to embrace, for it is her who will lead the way.  At times it seems so easy to lay my weapons on the table and walk away ungainly.  But I will not suffice as a coward and face forward to march on knowing there is much reason.

It doesn’t take much to meet someone whom you know will leave a lasting impression.  If I were to never find that in someone, then I wish to be that for someone, for them to find that in me.  I am a stubborn soul.  Equipped and armed with Passion, love, endurance, and kindness.  I vow to sway not in a direction of damage.  To know me, you must see and feel my soul.  To love me, you mustn’t let go.

To love me, you mustn’t let go..

Let there be light. Ignite me and fascinate me.  Take me as I am and humble me as fit.  I pray day and night for the good Lord to continue to show me his path.  His is all that matters. 

To love me, you mustn’t let go. 

In Him

Bass up, beats dope, and lyrics unknowing.  I’m prevailing, moving forward and continuing to find comfort in his light.

God has been ever more present in my life, and his path for me is lit brightly.  The colors are bountiful, clarity is real, and the smells along the way are intoxicating.  The questions I once asked I no longer ask.  It is true that once you lay your all in his hands, he takes reign and re-designs your world.

Mending the past to only prove to you that the future is more relevant.  Relevance?  Meaning, the “YOU” in which you are meant to be, will cross his path…making all things both past and present relevant.  A future shaped in faith, and guidance.  Endurance comes with a sacrificial price.  Somethings need to be taken away, somethings need to be passed along.  The practice of TRUST is difficult, is it not?  I mean, who doesn’t want to take control of each and everything in one’s life?

Trusting in his ways, trusting in your faith, and trusting in what tomorrow brings.  Although many out there can say that the future can be predictable, I disagree.  At times, we predict rain…and yes we are prepared for the wet streets yet, the sun is shining high and mighty.

I write tonight, laying myself on the line.  A reminder that it is not I who is in control, but my Savior.  I have secrets buried deep.  Will they ever come out?  Of course, indeed it will.  I will be the one to release and shed light, doing so before it cripples me first.

Sometimes, I find myself dazed, a bit confused, and at times more regretful.  I once believed that regret could be controlled.  I was wrong.  Maybe age plays a role.  As I get older, decisions become sketched.  Things remembered and consequences intense A wise man need not become wise if he had not the experience of deprivation, solitude, heartache, and outcasting.

Lord, guide my heart and open me to receive your will.  I live my life in the light of Love.

Psalm 143:8
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

T.I.R.E.D.

I am T.I.R.E.D.

T: Triumphant:

To motivate and inspire/  to lend understanding and yield to growth.  In result…Triumph.  

I: Invent:

I will not let life pass by and leave a door unopened.  Capturing what I want out of life I will invent and reinvent continually.  For without doing so, making no attempts will bleed out tears of regret. 

R: Respect:

There is beauty in this life we live in.  Without respect, things turn ugly rather quickly.  I promise to respect all that I am receiving (good & bad).  For strength is found in trust and respect. 

E: Endure:

Going the lengths, been to hell and back and I do know that it is not the end. Without endurance, hope would have chipped away over a period of time.  My Endurance was a gift from the heavens.  A blessing I accepted.  You see…endurance, to endure, it is a conscious decision to pull it together and move forward.  Face the darkness and know there is light, fight the fight and use this time to sharpen the you whom you know yourself to be.  

D: Dream:

Open your mind, release your thoughts and manifest the dream within. Dust away the cobwebs and enter your treasured attic.  Science may disagree on the topic of why we dream and what it really means.  My personal take?  The subconscious is enhancing, luscious and soul building…I dare to dream big.  Everyone should do the same.   

*Daylight has become as romantic as the moonlit skies.  My search for self-fulfillment and riotousness has become cognitive even during my subconscious state.   In this day and age, only the strong survive.  Love is all about being able to be selfless…so why hinder yourself from the possibilities of what may be?  Let it go, let the new in, begin to want to understand yourself more and improve.

I have redefined the negatives in my life and seek justice.  By manifesting positivity, I have become MUCH happier and more emotionally self-reliant.  TIRED was a word I often used, and I find it from time to time in my vocabulary of self-explanation.  It was explicitly hindering capabilities.  A most sincere pleasure knowing that it has been redefined to promote power and confidence.

I raise my glass and say “Salud” to this so called :LIFE: we live.  As always, the mission of enhancing is without pause.

Teeth sinks

As always, been hungry for constant motion.  Going through hand rehab and it has been painful and rewarding all at once. 

Serenity has captured me.  The things which I caught, now seek me.  I’ve laid back to relax, yet it seems to all be coming at me so fast.  Let go to get one, lose some to win some. 

Reality is, is whatever it is for you.  I’m sinking my teeth, taking a bite out of life.  So filling, so sweet, with just a tad bit of bitterness.

What’s in store for tomorrow? The beauty of not knowing. I am so blessed.

Awe me, and let miracles reside daily. 

Sweet Tooth

Cakes, Cupcakes and more! Latest orders:

Memories

Dank dark room.  Broken promises and wishful dreams

lay buried in the sheets.

I used to find comfort in the night, sheathed in the wallowing darkness.  Now I lay awake praying for the light to peak through the blinds.

I want nothing but to move forward and forget this evil past.  Living in the present is hard, let this time pass quickly. 

Word…comfort…never-ending.

Enlightened by her courage to stand strong..  peep this:

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
 
— Marilyn Monroe

My dear, ringing in the new me and this time, I’m leaving you behind.

Friends may come and go, yet the true solidity of endurance means you will stay forevermore, regardless. true colors shine bright and I’m not willing to oust the ones who have been present. 

I know now who cannot be replaced. I love dearly my family and friends. Their strength and support cannot be dismissed.

As I know who cannot…I know those who CAN. 

Salvation.

Words bind.  Kneeling in the rough patched pathway. He who cannot see, fears most but can choose to stand.  With bloody knees I walk nimbly before thee. With every ounce of courage…here I am…

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Endurance

Valentines Day- a day filled with affection, flowers, candies, heart shaped cookies, candles, bears, cheesy Hallmark cards.

On this day marks joy and warm feelings of fuzz. On the darker side, it sounds the pain of a lonesome heart. Is there an in between?

There is no room for bitterness no matter what. The capacity of love is overwhelmingly intense.  Thank you lord for providing the strength.

Endure for our hearts desires will be fulfilled. Men, love your women, for she is your rock.  Women, spoil your man because no one can do it better than you.

“To the world you may be one person…but to one person you may be the world”

I love you.

Self Inflict

Discovering the depths of my soul and trying my best to maintain.  Never does anyone truly understand the roads of destruction and tunnels of happy endings. 

One handedly, in one day it has struck that life is precious. We take for granted the most simple objects in life.  Our relationships define support. Like the veins which run through our bodies.  Love thyself.

Looking back is needed to jump forward into the future. And at times it is a very frightening thing to do. Hold down your faith (whatever that may be) and grit with your teeth. It will be painful, no doubt, for no gain is without pain.

New scars are forming. They are scars of new formed power.  How ironic that this cryptic bleed came as a blessing. I bled out old, and revitalized like never imaginable.  Press forward that voice says from within.

The things I do surprise me. I am not myself at times. Fighting the demonic nature internally subdued.  So it is now they shall submit to a pure form. Strength, courage, wisdom…POWER.  all that I have ever prayed for.

Healing in ways I will know of, and others shall see. Forget the “say” for it means little to nothing without proof. 

Adjusting to the renewed me, and yes it is uncomfortable.  But the future is cunningly bright.  I want, and my stubborn ass wants it ALL. Achieving what I know I can achieve and loving in full balance along the way- not forgetting myself along the way.  That’s important ya know…to remember your “you” factor.

Fear not, believe internally, respect the retrospective and appreciate.

I’ll be getting a tattoo soon. I know where, but just not sure what yet. It will be my first, and my last….signifying a defining turning point in life.

Excited and scared all in one. Nothing compares to this feeling of power right at this moment.  Ever had one of those? If you haven’t….find your purpose. Once you do, you’ll understand where I’m coming from.

Empower.

Onward.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtube_gdata_player&v=_7AgN8BECOY

Canvas

canvas: WHITE, innocence.

Paint on me black, for I have seen and felt the sorrow which many speak of.

Draw on me with colors of pink and Orange, the colors which fill the skies.  There are beginnings, and there are ends.

Sprinkle on me, earthy tones of green and brown for it represents connection. Body and Soul.

I dream of a land filled with nameless colors. Connecting the dots as we pass candy growing trees.  Where happiness is bountiful.

Painting life away…

Heal and reconstruct.

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”
- Anne Frank

Soul Depth

Play Please:

 

Trust is found within.  When revealed, it embodies you, your surroundings, your life.  Enhance that which is inside for the outer being will manifest.  The beauty of the soul are shown through the windows of our eyes.  I’m sure you’ve heard that time and time again.  Believe it…

My imagination is running wild right now, and I feel the fire my soul possess from deep inside.  I drove off today in the sunset, and at the end of the dark tunnel met me.  Mr. Gloom came knocking on my door as expected every now and then.  I opened the door and let him in, watched him wipe his feet on my front door mat, and regretted answering.  But it wasn’t until I realized that I didn’t mind him being here, he saw, and decided to leave.  So I closed the door on him, and I am feeling much better.

I’m up late, doing some soul searching.  Doing that Voodoo Soul Deepening in the dark, lost in music and soothed with a pot of lentil-red kale-butternut squash stew simmering on the stove-top.  It feels good.  Faced front with the bold wind blowing against my back the air I feel uplifts.  Pushing me to a mindful state of dreaming, calamity coupled with an ironic twist of peace.  Let it fall for I will withstand.  Let it Rain for I will smile in it. Let it be, let it be, let it be.

When it comes to love, there can be no disgrace.  Love yourself and be loved.  Give eternally with no “thanks” needed.   Inspire to be inspired.  Run blindly and TRUST.

I’m healing and feeling amorous, it is only in my want to document these moments in life.

Giving into the unknown and no phobias allowed.

 

Never-ending

Flow, strength, expand, dawn….

He has shown his blessings.

2010 ALPHA 2011

I welcome this year with open arms.

As I get older, the more I am humbled.

The past is that of a distant memory- faces will not be forgotten, emotions will be kept hidden.  I cried, laughed, rejoiced, mourned, connected, re-connected, and lost. That alone barely scratches the surface of this past year.

If given the choice, would I do it all over again? I mean sure! Why not, right? Relatively speaking, I actually wouldn’t. I wouldn’t want to change the happenings of 2010. It would leave nothing to look forward to (all good, including the bad) in the new year.

Again I find myself thankful and full of self-realization. My Passion now refining itself. I can see the light in me, feeling the warmth from its glow as I start to get closer to being rooted, closer to the center. As the years fly by and as time does its course, a tiny hole in my heart grows larger and larger.  That hole represents a sadness- ironically, I am happy.

Looking at my Mothers loving hands, I remember when they used to be so soft and supple. Now as her rough-worked hands caress my face I pause, take-in, and remind myself to cherish her, and the life she so unselfishly gave for the happiness and likeness of the family her and my father have built. Age…strange.

This road is long and narrow, but I know I am loved by those who I know love me. It never gets easier, but I understand now that it is the reason why we should blindly push forward with faith. TRUST.

Looking forward to many more years of life’s cycles.

2010 I gave it what I thought I had left in me.
2011 I will conquer.

Once upon a time…

I was a girl filled with hope, dreams, courage and undeniable strength.  I dared to be bold, and gave and gave from a never-ending well filled with innocence. 

As I look in the mirror today, I see struggle.  Beginning wrinkles of wisdom inching their way upon my face. Aging hasn’t been easy, so much has happened within the past years.  “It is better to have loved, then to have not loved at all”, so the saying goes. 
Innocence slowly dwindles as we get older.  Some of us face un-imaginable struggle, and may think we lost in this game of life. Been there, done that…we all have and still sometimes feel like we are slipping.  I also know and speak from experience, that during these times of ill feelings, there is a light that shines inside. A dim flickering speck of hope, love, and yearn.  We must learn how to feed that fire.

At times it may be frightening to look within. 

I must admit, that looking within myself is something I would rather not do at times. Especially during times of questioning, discovering fears, following my damp footsteps along a path of dead ends, and tangled trees of emotional despair.  It’s a place I’d rather not visit. Yet how do we turn rain into rainbows? We face our fears and face ourselves, for we are our number one enemy.  No one else is. 

I look to those around me for encouragement now more so then I did before. I see change and development, but also am discovering weaknesses I had not had before. I don’t like it. And the Lord says to us:

Deuteronomy 33:25 Your bars shall be iron and bronze, and as your days, so shall your strength be.

So let it be. 

Today I move forward, reminding myself of the indicted scars, inflicted pain, and the sorrow which still reigns within. Happiness will overcome and I will stand tall with my head held high, pushing onward. I will remember these feelings so that I may not inflict onto others as others have unto me. 

My dreams are still high and hopeful, but the struggles have become stronger.  I know that they will not weaken, and so therefore I must continue to fight with bravery and muscle, the uphill battle.  But I promise my heart will remain soft, and that tears will still shed.  I promise to love with an insatiable thirst of compassion, and that I will honor those who come into my life. 

You must do the same.

My happy ending is in works. Who will meet me at the finish line?

Not So Simple

It’s nearing fall..the crisp air is starting to creep its way in.  Summer had its few weeks, while now it’s the autumn leaves I see at my doorstep when I come home at the end of the day.

Tiresome nights I’ve had, being up late at night. My tired eyes won’t close only because my mind is pacing- my heart laced with a thirst for love and understanding. There is a term out there we are all very familiar with. It goes something like this…”if only it were so simple”.

That’s right! Right? If only it were so simple, we wouldn’t have to run around wondering about the reasons.

I’m speaking rather vaguely.  Let it be…

Such amazing things happen from second to second. Lives being given, and lives being taken away. We don’t understand, yet we try so hard to make our lives meaningful, filled with accomplishments. I am grateful for the tears and laughter, with all other emotions in between.  

Recently a prayer of mine came to life.

After 10 years of wonder and prayer, I am faced with that I exactly asked for.  Ok, ok, actually a little more. To my surprise, more of a story is uncovered with many twists and turns. Family…one word, with many meanings, but in relation to one thing…each other. 

He was out there left to stand alone, and for only reasons one in particular knows. I always found myself wondering about him. What he looked like, and how life was for him.  I’m sure you did to _ _ _.  Instead 10 years later, your secret unveils not one, but two. How could you? But I understand and still love you. 

My heart has shown strength in understanding and acceptance. It is a beautiful feeling and I wouldn’t want to feel any other way. Though the valley was dark, a dim light was always lit to help guide my path.  And I know now there is more reward on this path.  Revealing redemption, strength, courage, wisdom and power. It isn’t over, it has only began.

Now I stand still, patient, in awe and filled with wonder.  I would like to get to know your past.  Because it is a part of you, and forgiveness is in our heart. Angry? No…ironic, yes! But I’ve dreamt of this, and now it is here.

Thank you for the intent, and shelter.  Now it’s time the favor is returned. I am a part of you…and so are they.

Our eyes turn away from that which we do not understand.  By doing so, our hearts blindly follow.  Trust- we will look you eye to eye and hand in hand.

** family is family ** SIMPLE

Or is it?

Static: I’m Ready

I tried to post this earlier…but was not successful.  Anyhow…Lately, things have been falling into place.  Many THANKS to the big man upstairs!  Here’s a clip…Listen, don’t judge!  ;) There is some static feedback and that I couldn’t help.  Guess I need a better mic.

Listen here: http://tinypic.com/r/1zyuqd/4

Ciao